As financial therapist and licensed professional counselor Kathy Haines, LPC explains, conflict over finances is among the top three reasons couples fight—or ultimately get divorced. Because everyone has a different experience with money and varied emotions tied to it, talking about money feels personal and can make us uneasy, fast. “Being vulnerable enough to have open and honest communication around money creates financial intimacy. This in turn creates safety within the relationship,” Haines says. “Without financial intimacy, other areas of the relationship can suffer and break down.” Before you start the home buying checklist or plan the “We did it!” Instagram photo you’ll post of your abode-to-be, make sure you have these important—and maybe difficult—conversations with your partner. April Davis, a dating expert and founder of Luma Matchmaking, urges couples to think critically and deeply about their motivations. Is it because you are both financially ready? Or are you trying to keep up with your friends? Is it better to buy than to rent in your current market? Discussing these questions has a twofold benefit, according to Davis, who says not only do you identify your own reasons, but you also are able to see a clearer picture of your partner’s perspective. “As long as both sides are honest with their partners and with themselves, it should be a great conversation to begin with, because the money talks only get trickier,” she says. If you’ve ever watched a house-hunting television show, you know what to think about: location, size, amenities, age of property, and (of course) price. Be prepared for a heated discussion, since it’s unlikely you and your number one will agree on every little detail. The purpose here is to see if you can find a way to meet in the middle, without losing your temper. “By discussing these types of details and deal-breakers, the couple can pinpoint whether they are aligned enough or not on what they are ultimately looking for in a house to purchase,” Thomas says. “This is where working together and compromising is very healthy and necessary.” “Coming to a decision on how much you both can afford to spend on a house is very crucial in making sure you both stay within your means to avoid future problems that could lead to big consequences financially and relationship-wise,” Davis says. To do this, both parties should come to the table with your honest-to-goodness financial pictures. This includes how much money you bring in each month respectively, any debt, all bills, and so on. “Knowing how much you can realistically afford paves the way for how you will go about making the purchase because it ties into everything: what location you will settle on, how much down payment you will put towards the house, the features the house will come with, and so much more,” Davis says. According to Thomas, your first goal is determining how you’ll work together to make your house dreams a reality. As you go line-by-line through expenses, speak candidly about what you are willing to give up. Can you get by on just Netflix, and skip Hulu, for a year? Could you go out to dinner once a week, instead of twice? Do you really need to stay at a four-star hotel, or could you get by with a three? These cuts should be balanced between you and your partner, since no one should have to carry the burden alone. If only one name is on the deed, Haines suggests identifying potential disagreements that could sprout up, such as “This is my house, so I do what I want!” “It can create a power differential and feelings of jealousy or resentment. There may be good reasons not to share equally in the deed and mortgage, but having open dialogue can help prevent feelings of a power differential,” she says. How are you going to split them? Is it 50-50? Or does that not make sense, since you make far more than your partner? Or far less? “There is no right way to split these—the most important thing is to get out all the expectations each other has about it,” Haines says. “Make sure there is clear understanding at the outset, particularly about splitting the upkeep, so there are no surprises. And have ongoing conversations about this to ensure you are both still in alignment and there have been no major changes.” Consider how the profit or loss will be split if the house is sold, particularly if the costs of buying and maintaining the property weren’t split evenly. You might also want to agree that one party will buy the other out and keep the home in the event of a breakup. Whatever the case, the key is to talk about it all sooner, rather than later.
